Solacio Alma

Something in the cupboard is moving to wordpress guys :) now you can find my posts on solacioalma.wordpress.com instead! Goodbye blogspot!

Chances

SUCCESSFUL TABLE OUTING HAPPENED it was really fun haha im gonna miss this table while im in taiwan :( and generally now that school is out until february.

It seems like half the world has gone to Ophir for YLTC i cant seem to reach anyone because their phones got taken ;( who do i text now :( i think my OGL mates are probably also there so i cant start anything now hahaha.

While im talking i'd like to clear up something about the taiwan people. I dont particularly have anything against them, but while talking to other people makes me happy or energises me, doing anything with them is just tiring, draining and rather irritating. Interaction with them is a waste of my time and energy then, i feel, so as much as possible i avoid them. If im aggressive to them it's because they're wasting my time (happens a lot) and i want them out of my face asap. Before, nothing i seemed to do would elicit much from them, so my efforts are probably better spent elsewhere anyway. Better to talk to someone who needs a listening ear than to someone who's just going to ignore you, hm? Some think i should give them another chance. But read: i already am a person prone to giving chances and so far they havent taken any of them so im withdrawing my cards from the table. If any of them can prove to me that interaction with them is -not- a waste of my time and energy, then perhaps i might yield, but until then i either put in all my effort (wont happen here) or none at all. I dont half-ass things like this.

WHOOSHWHOOSH

Hey guys, my blog has finally hit 1000 views hahahaha thanks you all (even though i dont post regularly). I know some sensitive stuff comes up here but that's the idea i guess.

Anyway the final OGL allocations were just released and my OG is PERFECT. I've got the JH4 Vanessa to help me connect to the IP next year, I can work really well with Glenys, Zhanyan is really hardworking (read: GETS THINGS DONE) and Reuven... I dont even need to explain ;););) great OG i just hope they can carry team for me on the first, maybe second day. More details on that personally, or when the time comes for my grand plan ;)

Moving on, those who know me better probably know im quite buaysong with the taiwan people now. No hard feelings really, but they are really not worth my time and energy. There are people who need it more, i feel, so any interaction with them i see as a waste of time. Dont question me about shunning them :o

Outing with my table is confirmed for this tuesday and I AM SO PUMPED this is gonna be great our first table outing :):):)

放射性

The title means radioactivity. Radioactive is one of my favourite songs, just saying! Lately i've been rather musically inspired, what with learning how to play Zimmer's Time and Chopin's Nocturne. I was thinking i should get more into the habit of watching music on youtube (it'll probably help right). Every time i play Time (see what i did there) it's like my mind is re-blown. It's such an amazing song, but always gets me sad after listening to it :( i relate to the futile feeling that can come with contemplating the inexorable passage of time.

Content lectures started yesterday and WOW SO SIAN i have like huge breaks everywhere that i dont know what to do with D: i finish at 10am tomorrow (good job on the schedule there nj). Cant wait for them to finish then i can sleep in all i want 😴😴😴

Incendiaries

OP has been over for awhile, and life is finally starting to get more relaxing. Well, almost anyway. Past few days i was out with Heather or softball peeps and i really enjoyed myself! Today was a bit different though.

I went to yishun for training today and it was quite fun actually. Then i had to come to school for taiwan rehearsal. Oh did i resent that.

I spent pretty much all my time there scolding them and blowing up in general. I dont know really why, but i just really buaysong at them today lor. That probably wont change though. I left early too cuz i couldnt stand being around them. It's probably better that i... Distance myself from them anyway haiz. I was actually in a really good mood this morning but they completely wrecked that.

Can you imagine i have to be in taiwan for almost three weeks with them i dont know how im gonna avoid blowing up more and more

All-in

I'm going to begin writing the letter to send to prospective JCs. The verdict on softball isn't out yet, but when it does I want to be prepared. Nothing has really happened to keep me in this school yet, so better safe.

OP preparations are going well, I -think-. I really want it to be over with so i can start enjoying life :( sian why mine so late.

Of note is the impending taiwan trip. With a waning or perhaps non-existent sense of belonging among them enjoying the trip is something i can only hope for. Communication will probably be a problem due to my woefully inadequate chinese and general repulsant quality. Idk i dont see myself enjoying this trip and what's worse it's for 18 fucking days. I should have purposely flunked promos so i could transfer school and skip the taiwan trip; a double-barreled shot, so to say. I'd be really guilty for my buddy, but... Sigh idk.

I've been trying to see beyond my problems and help people with theirs of course (great feeling there) but for most, if they have any at all they're doing a damn good job at hiding it. Not a bad thing, but it makes me question if anyone else is facing the type of problem i am. Even seemingly like-minded people turned out not so, somewhat a sign that i may have put my trust in the wrong people. Unless something happens to redeem them... Ah well.

Life really sucks hard now, i can feel the goodness dripping away. There's nobody (willing anyway) to go out with and even when there are they're with their PW groups (not a possibility for mine). What do i do with nothing to look forward to in the future? I attempt to change the future, i guess...

Time

Today i learnt to play Time by Hans Zimmer. It's a sombre, haunting, lachrymose piano piece, that serves as a sobering reminder that no matter how hard we try to keep things the same, no matter how hard we cling on to our memories, the past is the past, and all that has happened eventually is washed away, as much as we'd like it to stay. Time will always slip from our grasp, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing we can do to reclaim it. There's a lot of emotion in this piece, with sorrow, hatred, anger, bewilderment and nagging emptiness thrown in the mix. Somehow i can feel it when i play the song.

Perhaps this is because i feel the same way about time. I have many regrets, and would give anything to rewind the clock, and start over, start afresh. Perhaps in a world where i never applied for council, where i never joined canoeing, where i was friendly sooner, where i never joined band first... Where i never came to NJC.

Coming to NJC is a decision i deeply, sorely regret. Treated like JC students from day 1, we lost a secondary school experience. I was foolish then and in my many moments of folly, i came to the situation i am in now. A situation which i hate, loathe and despise. But no matter how much i loathe my decision five years ago, the only thing i can do to change it is to transfer out now, which is now, in my own hands. Im starting on the letter for the schools, which, if circumstances bid so, i will send.

I've lost so much time, and so many things in the past.

I regret.

Great Escape

I dont know who reads this but if you do i probably need some advice. Lately the thought of transferring schools has occurred to me, and the extra year of study now seems even more justified considering my atrocious grades this semester. I have no O levels but with a letter i could try for another JC. The only question now is: should i?

Firstly, i kind of regret my subject combi. ELL is a complete waste of time and i cant score for KI. Math is also irritatingly hard. Would a change in subject combi help me?

Second, right now im (apparently visibly) very unhappy with NJ, especially with it's atmosphere and to some extent, people. NJ is stifling and grey, and so is the atmosphere here. Being stuck in classes with all IP people doesnt help. And there's no way i can get close to others this way. One of the more frustrating problems.

Third, NJ teachers are mostly really useless.

Fourth, softball may get disbanded :( if we get disbanded i'll have lost a family that pretty much were the only people i would stay in NJ for. You get the idea.

And finally, considering my grades at promos i am gonna fail A levels really badly. I dont know if an extra year would help...

I think for the time being im waiting on the verdict for softball. But dear lord do i fucking hate NJC (and a lot of the people inside).

連接

Damn happy today i had multiple successes :):):)

Well to start with the chicken i gave to mick for his birthday was PERFECT and so was his card (which being the troll i am, i wrote in chinese). I ponned assembly again woohoo and chinese was quite meh.

So i sat with clara (and some others) after chinese and we talk a bit before leehui came to ask me whether i had seen yuhang. Since jieru was with her i decided to follow them to find him, which we did.

I wont go into details lah, but i think he has a brighter outlook on life now :) hope my watermelon worked haha. After that we went to celebrate junyan's birthday too (actually i didnt know sorry junyan)  and i got creamed by jiashen even though i wasnt a commonwealthian anyway :o it actually meant a lot to me because i didnt really fit in with them until that moment. Then i creamed john haha (not sorry).

I had lunch out with fangyi after that, but not before talking to julian and nicholas and confirming that im gonna be an ogl :) YESSSS.

The school tours briefing was pretty boring and i was shooting basketball after it (with houjoo and zhiyi though we didnt really talk). After that was team dinner!

I CREAMED MICK TOO HAHAHAHA it was a pretty good dinner with lots of laughs khiam brought whiskey and i might be tipsy (my drinking habits exist) and overall a lot of memories were made this day :)

I think what made me feel best was knowing that my support for a friend has helped. All too often there is too little we can do for friends, but i'm glad that i could help today :)

You Know Where To Find Me

"You know where to find me

If you think it's all over"

-Imogen Heap

Today has been absolutely disastrous. The first thing that went wrong was marks checking, of course. I did so badly that im certain im fucked for A levels. But the worse was yet to come.

Today i learned vcheng banned all softball trainings till the end of the year, due to an accident during a training. There is a high possibility we'll be disbanded altogether. What the fuck. Honestly softball was one of the main things that kept me sane in this school. If it disappears, there's really nothing here for me. But it gets worse.

I've got a friend in softball who retained. And though it isnt -my- problem, i worry about it more than if i got retained. I guess it is my problem because we're quite good friends, but i've only ever let two other people's problems affect me this much. It was an absolute mood destroyer because of a compound problem. He left all his whatsapp groups, but didnt leave the softball one. And if we are disbanded, there is nothing for him to stay for. It's a double blow, and im praying hard it doesnt happen. I swear i will transfer out if we get disbanded fuck NJ.

I've honestly had enough of this place. It's an environment where grades define people, and though i have quite a few good friends here, if i could leave, i would. I dont believe things will get better (for me), contrary to much popular belief, as things have only ever worsened. Today is a testament to how life can really fuck with you, and not even by fucking with you directly. Am i even sane anymore?

默契

So an anonymous reader told me he/she empathised with this blog, which is really nice :)

I'm aware that it seems there's a lot of emo stuff on this blog but it really is just my ranting (affected by whether I've had a bad day or not hehe). There is somewhat sensitive stuff here too but I figure anyone who cares enough to come read this in the first place is someone I can tell them to.

Honestly I confuse myself cos I like to take the time to encourage and maybe give advice to people but am REALLY bad at receiving it. Stupid keith :/

If you're reading this 謝謝你 because it's kinda like listening to my troubles. I appreciate that :)

Sanctuary

Heyyy what's up kids i'm actually in a really bad mood dont let my tone fool you. It's just that i've been stuck with some people who are... unfortunate to get stuck with. It really is unfortunate because i'm basically gonna hate these people the rest of my life. Affirmation, i suppose.

Anyway, recently i realised that im not actually really looking forward to taiwan at all. I just told myself that to get past promos. All of a sudden i dont think it'll be fun anymore (for me anyway). That sucks, but yeah now i've nothing to look forward to. This is for... reasons of my own. Blehhhhhhhh

Dilution of Self

Honestly my life's a joke. I don't like it at home, I hate it in school, I don't have a secondary school refuge to go to and the only place I feel comfortable, where I the fucking atheist can belong, is in church. How does such irony even occur? I hate life and people say you shouldn't, but honestly whether muted or not, an innate disgust at life lives within everyone. I know what I'm saying with a strong word like 'hate'.

It would be nice to get away from it all. 也許因此我期待去臺灣. A small part of me is probably hoping I get expelled so I can get out of fucking NJC. I leave the house just to wander because I don't want to be at home. Some people say you should stop running away from your problems but I see no way of resolving anything without making more problems or overcoming blatantly insurmountable obstacles. "Make the cards life deals you into a winning hand", so they say, but all I really want to do is fold right now. This isn't even purely sorrow, it's like a sad anger, a burning hatred for the unkindness of circumstance.

I'm a lost sheep. With no shelter to belong to to take cover from the storm, and no one to brave it with me, there's nothing left to do but to fight it, and eventually succumb. And I'd have to be extremely stupid to hope for a miracle now, because in all honesty they don't happen. Life can only snowball downhill and get worse from here, and I guess there's nothing to do but sit in it to hell.

Just my two cents.

末日又來了

Walao this blog dead sia. 對啊大家，末日審判又來了。

I don't have exams tomorrow but everyone I know is freaking out about it and I do really want to support them in such a stressful time but

Who will support me back?

Not them, that's for sure. I have much nicer friends outside of school SIGH WHY I IN NJ I FUCKING HATE THE PLACE AND THE PEOPLE INSIDE (mostly). And I know what I mean when I use a word as strong as hate.

I swear everyone's gonna be partying this weekend plus monday while I do KI and ELL D: my promos schedule sucks sia.

On a side note, I was thinking of getting lots of birthday presents early the other day but I really only have one friend worth remembering the birthday of. I either hate everyone else or they're too inaccessible to be close friends :/ I'd hope to become closer friends but all disappointment stems from having hope and my life is already one big disappointment so I shan't take this any further.

Good night.

末日審判

真的是末日了 :( 明天要考華文而我還沒好好準備。

從星期一到現在我一直在學校裏覺得好累，好煩。我不知道，也許是因為我睡不夠覺，或許真的是我心裏覺得煩？如此的東西我應該最明白的，但我還覺得好復雜。腦子最近有點失靈 :p

有些人使我有些憤憤不平的情緒。看到他們的臉就會不爽。可惜的是我還要明年見到他們。One of the many reasons I hate NJ is people like these sigh. Why can't we mix classes next year i hate my class D:

光陰似箭

Just like that the hols are gonna be over :( i feel like they barely started sigh and it's less than a week to chinese promos. Time really waits for no man. I wish there were more days to do my shit in but then 反正 it's not like I have anyone to do shit with. Sucks to be me >(

I just spent two days in sentosa with the fam and it wasnt bad i guess. The hotel swapped our rooms for a suite and it was really nice :) i got an annual pass for USS too so jioing begins soon hehehe

There's tuition and piano tomorrow and some PA meeting on sunday but 我只等待去 HOG hahaha 反正我有這麽少的朋友不妨去吧。Really hope it's nice there!

In The Heart Of God

was i literally today. It's humji's church, and while all I did there was lit homework and study chem and chinese (actually that's quite a lot) I think it was a good day! We met jiwon on the way out (my life is full of 巧) and i think i'm going to paya lebar on sunday :o more for the people than anything else really. I'm just there to mug and meet new people (paiseh i freethinker).

Their church is this youth church, so it's really much more exciting than most others i've seen, and it's really funny because it's hidden in an office building (i think).

These are the kinds of things i do when i have too much time, which is almost everyday :( boliao max sia.

The Four Aces

Today I went to do PW in the morning and almost absolutely no one would do our survey ;( sad stuff. They even rejected my flyers wtf. But it was all made better with another PW project.

I went to Bishan (again) to help Hioks, Jolen, Yuxin and Charmaine with their pilot test and 真是太巧了, ran into Yuhang! We're bros fated to meet or what.

So after the pilot test we had dinner and played daidi until like 9+, and became fast friends! We are the four aces now hahahahahahaha I think it was 巧死 that Charmaine jioed him today. We meeting on Tuesday some more.

◇♧♤♡◆♣♠♥

Adventure

Been awhile. Blogs are not so easy to maintain after all :(

For Teacher's Day I went with Humji, Yida, Phil, Pan and a late Julian to Cat High. Best day in a long time! Let's keep it at it that. I still feel the high from it now. Withdrawal symptoms yo.

I became newly acquainted with a lot of people (both in and out of NJ) and I hope we're on our way to becoming friends! Seriously NJ is way cooler with us around ok B)

Last night I played accomplice in the death of about 20 cockroaches in the carpark. Disadvantages of having an indoor carpark eh. Apparently they all hide inside because of the torrential rain lately. It's gotten colder outside than inside and I wonder if I'm still living in Singapore :o I've gotten drenched a lot in the past week. 則我一直傷風，咳嗽。一直喝水也沒用呀。

The Kindness of Strangers

"I've always depended on the kindness of strangers."
-Blanche Dubois, A Streetcar Named Desire

I AM FUCKING RETARDED I went to eat at the macs at KAP and didn't realise I threw in my wallet when I returned my tray ;( I keep my coins in my pocket and my ezlink card has no value so I didn't realise I didn't have it with me. 僅等到我到家了纔意識到我的錢包不見了。我就著急地趕回去找它，花了半個小時在垃圾袋裏尋找錢包 ;(

雖然 I feel and smelled like shit, I bore witness to kindness from an absolute stranger. The cleaner aunty guided me to the back to look for my missing goods. Just when I was going to give up, I found it (味道的我別說還好) :o I ultimate yolo sia hahaha. I must be famous among their night staff now. I think I may have gotten a preview of my future work life ;(

總之，我超笨。謝謝再見

I'm Running Out Of Time

I got really lost in math today and figured I'm dead for promos :/ time is really running out.

So after school I decided to do math till 9pm, but still got stuck. Mr Teo came along and said it was because I overthink. And I do, all the time.

On the bus on the way to KAP, the lighting was really dim and the bus was somewhat claustrophobic, but I took strange comfort in that. With no sounds but the rumble of the bus and the soft rain shattering against the window panes, everyone else in the bus sat, seemingly contemplating. 我突然覺得開心一點, like the scene took me away momentarily from life outside.

Coming out of the bus, I put my file over my head to shield it from the rain, a futile endeavour I know. Huffing into Macdonalds with a wall of rain falling outside, I noticed some people of the past. I waved slightly, but that was all the contact we had.

Simple things like this are oddly calming, just like some people I know. They I appreciate.

I had more contemplations today, but I'll post about them another day. 如此該夠了。

You've Been Gone For So Long

Sometime earlier this year, I met someone. I was blown away at first sight by her, and we felt the same way about each other overnight, I think.

You probably won't read this, but if you are now, I'd like to tell you that you're forever amazing, and it's really sad that incompatibility can do so much to a relationship. We both like different people now, but our time together still affects me deeply. These kinds of things are difficult to forget.

On the 1st of May I gave something to you that I can never take back, so I do hope you cherish it too. I'll look back on it every time.

I think it was a good thing I left. My role was ill-played, perhaps out of inexperience. It's good to see that you've gotten over it, because people need to move on with life.

I feel like it's been a long time since I left. It's not that I miss you real bad or anything, but sometimes I look back on this and think that it's sad that life has to be this way. It's this way once we move to the outside world too, and I guess we just grew up a little faster than the rest.

I tried to be as ambiguous and specific as possible ok :o

I guess that's part of life as well.

I'm About To Lose My Mind

Because I have a KI VA due tomorrow and havent started ╮(╯▽╰)╭ good job me.

But besides that this was how I was feeling about three weeks ago. It's a very complicated problem, but I felt I needed to type something to let it out.

Not delving too much into the details, a lot of mistakes I made in the past culminated in a situation that had me really frustrated. It's a really long story to put here so if you want the full one talk to me directly :/ or WA or something.

I used to get very affected by what people said and therefore didn't really have a personality because I was always changing for people. But THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO GO some people have made me realise :) 感謝你們. Apparently I seemed like I push people away too NO MOREA THAT EITHER.

雖然我現在還是朋友不多，好友更少，我只可以努力努力永不放棄。

btw 加油 for promos SH1s!

I Need A Doctor

It's been a long time since I blogged! A lot has happened which I probably will sum up in the future.

What does this title have to do with anything? Well, I recently just went through what some could call a figurative death. I'd lost hope in pretty much everything and all I looked forward to was leaving it all behind. 我對世界死心了. But some people showed me that it wasn't worth throwing everything away for. Though the ray of hope I cling onto now is thin, at least it has reappeared. When I was extinguished there was little I could do but run into walls. I have quite a few people to thank. If you're a friend you may get a devotional in coming days!

I'll probably elaborate more on what's happened in future posts. This one is just to facilitate the revival of Something in the Cupboard :)