All-in

I'm going to begin writing the letter to send to prospective JCs. The verdict on softball isn't out yet, but when it does I want to be prepared. Nothing has really happened to keep me in this school yet, so better safe.

OP preparations are going well, I -think-. I really want it to be over with so i can start enjoying life :( sian why mine so late.

Of note is the impending taiwan trip. With a waning or perhaps non-existent sense of belonging among them enjoying the trip is something i can only hope for. Communication will probably be a problem due to my woefully inadequate chinese and general repulsant quality. Idk i dont see myself enjoying this trip and what's worse it's for 18 fucking days. I should have purposely flunked promos so i could transfer school and skip the taiwan trip; a double-barreled shot, so to say. I'd be really guilty for my buddy, but... Sigh idk.

I've been trying to see beyond my problems and help people with theirs of course (great feeling there) but for most, if they have any at all they're doing a damn good job at hiding it. Not a bad thing, but it makes me question if anyone else is facing the type of problem i am. Even seemingly like-minded people turned out not so, somewhat a sign that i may have put my trust in the wrong people. Unless something happens to redeem them... Ah well.

Life really sucks hard now, i can feel the goodness dripping away. There's nobody (willing anyway) to go out with and even when there are they're with their PW groups (not a possibility for mine). What do i do with nothing to look forward to in the future? I attempt to change the future, i guess...

Time

Today i learnt to play Time by Hans Zimmer. It's a sombre, haunting, lachrymose piano piece, that serves as a sobering reminder that no matter how hard we try to keep things the same, no matter how hard we cling on to our memories, the past is the past, and all that has happened eventually is washed away, as much as we'd like it to stay. Time will always slip from our grasp, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing we can do to reclaim it. There's a lot of emotion in this piece, with sorrow, hatred, anger, bewilderment and nagging emptiness thrown in the mix. Somehow i can feel it when i play the song.

Perhaps this is because i feel the same way about time. I have many regrets, and would give anything to rewind the clock, and start over, start afresh. Perhaps in a world where i never applied for council, where i never joined canoeing, where i was friendly sooner, where i never joined band first... Where i never came to NJC.

Coming to NJC is a decision i deeply, sorely regret. Treated like JC students from day 1, we lost a secondary school experience. I was foolish then and in my many moments of folly, i came to the situation i am in now. A situation which i hate, loathe and despise. But no matter how much i loathe my decision five years ago, the only thing i can do to change it is to transfer out now, which is now, in my own hands. Im starting on the letter for the schools, which, if circumstances bid so, i will send.

I've lost so much time, and so many things in the past.

I regret.

Great Escape

I dont know who reads this but if you do i probably need some advice. Lately the thought of transferring schools has occurred to me, and the extra year of study now seems even more justified considering my atrocious grades this semester. I have no O levels but with a letter i could try for another JC. The only question now is: should i?

Firstly, i kind of regret my subject combi. ELL is a complete waste of time and i cant score for KI. Math is also irritatingly hard. Would a change in subject combi help me?

Second, right now im (apparently visibly) very unhappy with NJ, especially with it's atmosphere and to some extent, people. NJ is stifling and grey, and so is the atmosphere here. Being stuck in classes with all IP people doesnt help. And there's no way i can get close to others this way. One of the more frustrating problems.

Third, NJ teachers are mostly really useless.

Fourth, softball may get disbanded :( if we get disbanded i'll have lost a family that pretty much were the only people i would stay in NJ for. You get the idea.

And finally, considering my grades at promos i am gonna fail A levels really badly. I dont know if an extra year would help...

I think for the time being im waiting on the verdict for softball. But dear lord do i fucking hate NJC (and a lot of the people inside).

連接

Damn happy today i had multiple successes :):):)

Well to start with the chicken i gave to mick for his birthday was PERFECT and so was his card (which being the troll i am, i wrote in chinese). I ponned assembly again woohoo and chinese was quite meh.

So i sat with clara (and some others) after chinese and we talk a bit before leehui came to ask me whether i had seen yuhang. Since jieru was with her i decided to follow them to find him, which we did.

I wont go into details lah, but i think he has a brighter outlook on life now :) hope my watermelon worked haha. After that we went to celebrate junyan's birthday too (actually i didnt know sorry junyan)  and i got creamed by jiashen even though i wasnt a commonwealthian anyway :o it actually meant a lot to me because i didnt really fit in with them until that moment. Then i creamed john haha (not sorry).

I had lunch out with fangyi after that, but not before talking to julian and nicholas and confirming that im gonna be an ogl :) YESSSS.

The school tours briefing was pretty boring and i was shooting basketball after it (with houjoo and zhiyi though we didnt really talk). After that was team dinner!

I CREAMED MICK TOO HAHAHAHA it was a pretty good dinner with lots of laughs khiam brought whiskey and i might be tipsy (my drinking habits exist) and overall a lot of memories were made this day :)

I think what made me feel best was knowing that my support for a friend has helped. All too often there is too little we can do for friends, but i'm glad that i could help today :)

You Know Where To Find Me

"You know where to find me

If you think it's all over"

-Imogen Heap

Today has been absolutely disastrous. The first thing that went wrong was marks checking, of course. I did so badly that im certain im fucked for A levels. But the worse was yet to come.

Today i learned vcheng banned all softball trainings till the end of the year, due to an accident during a training. There is a high possibility we'll be disbanded altogether. What the fuck. Honestly softball was one of the main things that kept me sane in this school. If it disappears, there's really nothing here for me. But it gets worse.

I've got a friend in softball who retained. And though it isnt -my- problem, i worry about it more than if i got retained. I guess it is my problem because we're quite good friends, but i've only ever let two other people's problems affect me this much. It was an absolute mood destroyer because of a compound problem. He left all his whatsapp groups, but didnt leave the softball one. And if we are disbanded, there is nothing for him to stay for. It's a double blow, and im praying hard it doesnt happen. I swear i will transfer out if we get disbanded fuck NJ.

I've honestly had enough of this place. It's an environment where grades define people, and though i have quite a few good friends here, if i could leave, i would. I dont believe things will get better (for me), contrary to much popular belief, as things have only ever worsened. Today is a testament to how life can really fuck with you, and not even by fucking with you directly. Am i even sane anymore?

默契

So an anonymous reader told me he/she empathised with this blog, which is really nice :)

I'm aware that it seems there's a lot of emo stuff on this blog but it really is just my ranting (affected by whether I've had a bad day or not hehe). There is somewhat sensitive stuff here too but I figure anyone who cares enough to come read this in the first place is someone I can tell them to.

Honestly I confuse myself cos I like to take the time to encourage and maybe give advice to people but am REALLY bad at receiving it. Stupid keith :/

If you're reading this 謝謝你 because it's kinda like listening to my troubles. I appreciate that :)

Sanctuary

Heyyy what's up kids i'm actually in a really bad mood dont let my tone fool you. It's just that i've been stuck with some people who are... unfortunate to get stuck with. It really is unfortunate because i'm basically gonna hate these people the rest of my life. Affirmation, i suppose.

Anyway, recently i realised that im not actually really looking forward to taiwan at all. I just told myself that to get past promos. All of a sudden i dont think it'll be fun anymore (for me anyway). That sucks, but yeah now i've nothing to look forward to. This is for... reasons of my own. Blehhhhhhhh

Dilution of Self

Honestly my life's a joke. I don't like it at home, I hate it in school, I don't have a secondary school refuge to go to and the only place I feel comfortable, where I the fucking atheist can belong, is in church. How does such irony even occur? I hate life and people say you shouldn't, but honestly whether muted or not, an innate disgust at life lives within everyone. I know what I'm saying with a strong word like 'hate'.

It would be nice to get away from it all. 也許因此我期待去臺灣. A small part of me is probably hoping I get expelled so I can get out of fucking NJC. I leave the house just to wander because I don't want to be at home. Some people say you should stop running away from your problems but I see no way of resolving anything without making more problems or overcoming blatantly insurmountable obstacles. "Make the cards life deals you into a winning hand", so they say, but all I really want to do is fold right now. This isn't even purely sorrow, it's like a sad anger, a burning hatred for the unkindness of circumstance.

I'm a lost sheep. With no shelter to belong to to take cover from the storm, and no one to brave it with me, there's nothing left to do but to fight it, and eventually succumb. And I'd have to be extremely stupid to hope for a miracle now, because in all honesty they don't happen. Life can only snowball downhill and get worse from here, and I guess there's nothing to do but sit in it to hell.

Just my two cents.

末日又來了

Walao this blog dead sia. 對啊大家，末日審判又來了。

I don't have exams tomorrow but everyone I know is freaking out about it and I do really want to support them in such a stressful time but

Who will support me back?

Not them, that's for sure. I have much nicer friends outside of school SIGH WHY I IN NJ I FUCKING HATE THE PLACE AND THE PEOPLE INSIDE (mostly). And I know what I mean when I use a word as strong as hate.

I swear everyone's gonna be partying this weekend plus monday while I do KI and ELL D: my promos schedule sucks sia.

On a side note, I was thinking of getting lots of birthday presents early the other day but I really only have one friend worth remembering the birthday of. I either hate everyone else or they're too inaccessible to be close friends :/ I'd hope to become closer friends but all disappointment stems from having hope and my life is already one big disappointment so I shan't take this any further.

Good night.